My journey from active addiction to sobriety has been challenging and has required me to change so much of my life. It hasn’t been an easy journey to say the least but it’s been the most worthwhile journey I’ve ever taken.
It was an accumulation of many moments that joined up together. Many moments of constant pain between wanting to stop and being unable to carry it through. So many nights I swore to myself was my last night being high and/or drunk. I would take all of what I had before going to bed and swear that was it. That I was done. The truth was I meant it every time I said it. Yet the next day when I would awaken, the obsession to use was still there. It consumed each and every moment of my life. No matter how much I wanted to never use again, I lacked the will power to do it and carry it through. I had gotten clean in the past for a few days, weeks or even a few months. I just couldn’t get past a level within where sobriety was bearable or something I could hold onto long term. I always ended up back high and drunk and stuck in the vicious cycle of addiction.
Addiction consumed my life, it changed me, took my core values from me and destroyed my mind, body and soul. I had given up on life and couldn’t cope with anything that came my way. I lived in a constant fear, fear of myself, fear of others, fear of fear. I felt like an outsider from life, the world and all the people in it. The only people I could bare to surround myself with were other active addicts. People whom I could be as drunk and as high as I wanted with no repercussions from my behaviors or actions. Nobody to point out my lack of control or inability to stop myself or say no.
My journey into recovery meant I needed to change so much of those patterns, I needed to let go of anybody who still used or drank heavy. It was a necessity for me to build a new life. A life that I don’t want to escape from anymore.
I needed to be so willing to recover that anyone who standed in my way or held me back had to go. Certain friends with whom I’d shared many moments with and I cared about had to go because in their core they were now toxic for my recovery. That doesn’t mean I don’t think of them or still care for some of them. It just means I love myself and my recovery more than anything or anyone else.
It is the way it has to be for me to actually recover this time and not keep doors open to go back into the vicious cycle of active addiction again. It’s been a very difficult task mentally at times and then there has been all the emotions I had run from throughout the years that I now had to feel.
As the months have gone by I have actually begun to balance in myself. My washing machine head has begun to calm and my emotions have been numbing. Spiritually I have begun to feel connected to myself and also to the energies of the universe again. In moments where life gets on top of me I have learned to cope with life on life’s terms.
I have reached a pinnacle point in myself mentally, emotionally and spiritually that when I’ve had a thought to drink or get high I fast forward to outcome. My addicted mind has a habit of being delusional. Delusions that this time I could control it, this time it will be different, that I could just do it tonight. The euphoric recall part of the addiction shows me only the good times, not the awful blackouts or that I used to lock myself away from the world and pretend I wasn’t at home. Or the million excuses I used so I didn’t have to be around anyone. I have accepted that it will never be like that for me and I now feel that’s ok. I might not be able to control my drinking or drug use but I can control my recovery and live a life I always dreamed about.
I have begun to find myself finally, I feel the most comfortable in my own skin than I ever have before. One thing I never felt towards myself in active addiction was pride towards myself. I now feel proud of myself and all the work I’ve put in. I know recovery is possible for every addict in this world but it requires a lot of willingness. It requires you putting your recovery above anything else so you can keep it. I requires letting go of toxic relationships. It requires change in your daily life. The gifts you will begin to feel within and around you will make all the sacrifices worth it.
It will be hard but it will be worth it. We are all worth peace of mind. We are all worth living and not just existing.
Recovery is possible and you can recover too. Just know you are worth recovering. It won’t be easy, especially in the beginning but it will all be worth it. You will grow and finally begin to find your true self and inner peace.
Peace and light,